When searching for a title of this site, I made funeral arrangements with two families in a row who both happen to say something I’ve heard time and time again. The first was a daughter making funeral arrangements for her elderly mother who died at home on hospice. “We aren’t going to have a service because all her friends are dead.” The second was an 80 year old man making funeral arrangements for his wife who died at the hospital of Covid. “No point in a service now, all our friends are dead.” We hear this a lot in our industry.

It produces two reactions in me. One, okay, I understand it. Death can feel very lonely and personal and our thoughts are on the immediate. We think of ourselves and what we are going through. As you should! This is part of our trauma response. If I’m the only one suffering I don’t want anyone else to suffer so I’ll just keep it all to myself. I can’t let people see my grief. My second follow-up reaction is mild frustration and a need to educate. Most people who are in the midst of experiencing loss don’t have the emotional clarity to see outside themselves and their own grief. This is totally normal! Again, it’s a self-saving coping mechanism. But how often have you read the obituaries and saw that someone you know had died. Now think about how often you’ve heard about a friend or coworker who has experienced a death of a close loved one? Which one of those scenarios is more common? Statistically the latter is more common. Most people don’t go to funerals for the dead person. Most people go to funerals for the family, or the friends, to support the people still living. We send flowers to funerals for the living, not the dead. We write condolence cards (or we used to) to the the remaining family to let them know we are there. It is for the living because they are still here.

All of their friends may be dead, but you are still living. You are still here.

Let’s talk about it.

*all my friends are not really dead, I mean, some are, but not all, you get where I’m going here