Bigger, Faster, Higher, Oh My!

Celestis Memorial Spaceflights

I feel like I’d be remiss in my duties to not go one step further than the last post… DEEP SPACE! For those of you who really want to get grandpa as far away from you as possible, Celestis Memorial Spaceflights makes it possible to shoot your loved one into deep space to never been seen or heard from again.

But wait! There’s more! Options…

Earth Rise Service (starting at $2,495)
They send your cremated remains (or your “DNA” – *winky face*) into Earth’s atmosphere until it hits zero g’s and then let it all come crashing to Earth however it wants (actually I don’t know but they didn’t explain this part).

Earth Orbit Service (starting at $4,995)
They shoot your cremated remains (or your “DNA” – *I’m pretty sure this means spit*) into Earth’s orbit and allow it to stay until it naturally comes back to rain down on the plebeians below, or as the company puts it “harmlessly vaporizing like a shooting star”… mmmhmmm yup got it.

Luna Service (starting at $12,500)
They shoot your cremated remains (or your “DNA” – *I mean, they could be talking about blood, sure*) to the moon in an actual flying spacecraft and drop you off on the surface of the Moon and leave you there like that one time I left my purse in the movie theater and it was never seen or heard from again.

Voyager Service (starting at $12,500)
They shoot your cremated remains (or your “DNA” – *They’re definitely not talking about that other onica-May ewinksy-Lay type of DNA right, oh please tell me they’re not talking about that, and don’t tell me you didn’t think it too Becky*) into deep space on an actual flying spacecraft to endlessly, timelessly drift away into the cold dark stillness of the unknown.

Among the many amazing facts about this service is that it is so far superior to being environmentally friendly, it touts itself as being “Environmentally Benign.” That’s either really snobbish or incredibly clever wordplay, either way, I dig it.