Guess what: You ARE the Expert

You are a funeral professional. If you are in a position at a funeral home as a funeral director, embalmer, transfer specialist, family service counselor, pre-need specialist, cemeterian, grounds crew, administrative, receptionist, ambassador, etc. you ARE a funeral professional.

There is an often spoken saying that as funeral professionals we “are not counselors.” This is no longer the case today and can no longer be the case for how we serve our families in the future. There is no argument that the funeral profession has changed since the days of yesteryear. There is also another saying that proposes that “anyone who is working with a grieving person is, in some ways, a counselor.”

When we meet with families we are not only “directing” them, but we are also “counseling” them… in grief. As funeral professionals we are assumed to be the experts in the fields of death, dying, and grief. You may feel that this may be a huge misunderstanding, but in fact you are more likely to be much more of an expert than the person sitting across from you. You do this every day. You walk through the door of a funeral home every day. Some people may never have to walk through those doors and if they do, it is never for a good reason. These conversations, situations, and decisions are something you deal with every day; they are part of your vernacular. However, to the person sitting across from you, they are going through a very dramatic learning curve. *Understatement of the year.* And you are their guide.

To further this line of counselor/guide/director path, there is also the concept of talking about death as taboo. When someone dies, no one knows what to do. No one knows what to say. No one knows how to act. Friends and family often do not know how to help or support those experiencing a loss. For those who have experienced a traumatic loss, it is even more so. It is very common in grief support groups for grievers to continually lament that people are afraid to “say their name.” Those around them are afraid to say the name of the deceased for fear of “making them sad” when, in truth, the very fact that people are avoiding the deceased’s name makes the griever feel angrier, lonelier, even more sad because it as if their loved one is no longer remembered. If those closest to them are not approaching them about their loss, then who is? To this end, it is often the funeral professionals who may be the only people in that person’s life who are talking to them about the deceased and the new realities of walking the path of grief, healing, and of learning to live a life with a huge hole where their loved one once was.

The challenge here is if we are “not counselors” to those freshly bereaved, who will be?

TERMINOLOGY

The terms bereavement, grief, and mourning are typically used interchangeably in common culture and are assumed to have the same meaning. In general, this can be true without creating too much damage, but there are distinctions between the three terms. It is important for those of us in the deathcare field to understand the difference in these terms so that we can begin to provide an emotionally and physically safe and supportive environment for our grieving families.

Bereavement.
            Bereavement can be thought of as the most generalized term of those listed here. The simplistic meaning of bereavement is that it is a state, or fact, that someone has suffered a loss. The meaning of a bereaved loss can extend to things that are physical or symbolic, such as the loss of a job or a divorce.

Grief.
            Grief takes the concept of bereavement to a deeper level. Simply put, grief is the response to loss. This response involves the emotional, psychological, physical, behavioral, social, and spiritual reactions that occur within a person. The process of grief has been widely researched, most famously in Kubler-Ross’s 1969 groundbreaking work On Death and Dyingwhich described the stages a person may go through in the grief process. She describes the process as not being linear but instead as more of a rotation of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. This theoretical process has since evolved in academia, most notably Stroebe and Schut’s dual process model that describes an oscillation between a grieving person’s focus on the past and what they have lost and their focus on the future and what they have to rebuild. Life experiences, relationships, coping skills, the circumstances surrounding the death, and cultural beliefs are but a number of things that may affect the patterns of grief. 
            A note on Complicated Grief: Grief can become complicated or maladaptive when there is a breakdown in the grief process. Rando explains that this can occur when the “six R’s” of grieving are disrupted or exaggerated. The six R’s involve: 1) the recognition of one’s loss, 2) the reaction to the separation with the deceased, 3) the recollection and memory of the deceased, 4) a relinquishment of old attachments to the deceased, 5) being able to readjust into the world without having to forget the memory of the deceased, and 6) the ability to reinvest in the future of one’s self. Perreault shows us that possible ways this disruption or exaggeration can a occur is through avoidance coping measures. These include 1) postponing the reality of dealing with the grief, 2) displacing the grief onto some external thing in a way that isn’t connected to the reality of the loss, 3) replacing grief with something else (like a relationship or work), 4) minimizing the thoughts and feelings of grief, and 5) manifesting the effects of the grief into real physical symptoms. It is helpful for funeral professionals to understand and recognize these avoidance patterns so they can be used as a guide for possible resources to provide.

Trauma.
            Closely linked to grief is trauma. Trauma is also a reaction/response to loss, but there are specific distinctions between the two. Trauma can be defined as “any event that an individual has directly or indirectly experienced or perceived as instilling a sense of helplessness, powerlessness, fear, hopelessness, and/or a loss of safety, whether physical or emotional… a psychological wound”. Trauma can further be described as having three aspects related to the traumatic incident: the circumstances that led to the incident, the incident itself, and the circumstances that followed the incident (both long-term and short-term). Because the experience of trauma consists of continuous thoughts of the event, it must be dealt with before the grief process can begin or it may run the risk of inhibiting or stopping the process grief process altogether.
            A note on Shock: The short answer is that shock, or traumatic shock, is a bodily defense mechanism. It is a way that our bodies respond to an event that is outside the realm of normal comprehension in order to protect ourselves and ensure our survival. Specifically discussing the emotional shock of the loss of a loved one, this is something that we can unknowingly come across in our families during the removal process or during the arrangement conference. Shock can come across as an emotional or physical response, or both. It comes in many forms and its duration, although most commonly short-lived, can still be present days or weeks later. It is important to consider when dealing with a family that is walking in to the funeral home or when on-scene doing the transfer of the deceased into our care.

Mourning.
            *Perhaps the most important concept for the funeral professional.* Mourning is generally thought of as a part of the grieving processes where the outward (public) expression of grief is displayed. This can include the funeral or memorial service. It can include acts of interpersonal or intrapersonal rituals, such as candle lighting ceremonies. Acts of mourning include a person’s thoughts, emotions, and even behaviors related to the deceased and are typically socially and culturally distinct. Part of our job as funeral professionals is to help our families go from trauma to grief to mourning. We can say we have truly done our job if we have helped guide those we help: 1) in a healthy way, 2) in a way that fulfills the emotional and psychological needs of the living, and 3) in a way that honors the deceased.