The Social Butterflies

I am, by all means and ways, a people watcher. I love watching human behavior. When I was in grad school, I had a favorite restaurant that had a bar where you could sit and watch various sports on TVs right above your head. I liked coming to this particular restaurant/bar because there was this one particular seat that fit my butt just perfect and allowed me the perfect view of others but I wasn’t center-focus so people didn’t really bother me. They also had a really good Cobb salad and wine blend (don’t ask the name, I’m not a wine aficionado, I just point and select). I also liked it because they played all different kinds of sports. They had MMA, football, basketball, soccer, gymnastics… really whatever was on. And people didn’t come there to be loud and cheer on their team and get excited. I detest loud sports bars because my hearing aids go crazy, which is another line of complaints we don’t need to go into.

Now when I sit and watch the sports I’m pretty sure I’m doing it wrong. I don’t watch the players or care about who is winning or losing. (I do pick my favorite based on colors and mascots.) But instead, I like to watch the crowds. I like to see their reactions. I also really like to see them doing their thing when they don’t think anyone else is watching them. People get weird in crowds. Some people tend to over-exaggerate their emotions and actions. They get big and goofy. Some shrink down and seem to be waiting for it to be over. There’s also those who clearly are having an argument and not caring about those around them. Some are trying to hit on someone, and those trying to be hit on. There are obvious romances and not-so-obvious romances. But for the majority of people they’re completely oblivious to what is happening around them and content with only interacting with their own people. Very rarely in crowd behavior do you see someone reaching out and talking to all the strangers around them, getting to know them. (With the camera moving all over focusing on the players you don’t get a full view of the picture of what is going on. So you get to make it up. I like to create different scenarios that are playing out as if they are my puppets and I control the storyline. There have been a lot of (made up) scandalous behavior, let me tell you.)

What does this have to do with social butterflies and funerals? Well I also go to a lot of funerals. This crowd mentality is fairly similar. However, with the added social awkwardness of people not knowing what to do around death, it brings some added flavor. No one knows what to say to the grieving family, but they also don’t know what to say to their own family and friends. No one wants to laugh because it feels disrespectful. No one wants to smile because it seems like that’s not something someone should do if one is
”properly” grieving.

But something I’ve noticed lately, and once noticed you see it more clearly defined, are the older generation’s social butterflies. These tend to be women, however I’ve seen the rare male social butterfly. And I say older generation because I have yet to see this in anyone younger than 50ish do this with such style. These are little old ladies that will typically be seen standing by the door and welcoming people in. They are notable for having a superpower that is so very rare. It is the superpower of genuine communication. If you watch, they have a different, special, personalized greeting for every single person. They seem to know everyone but the secret is that they don’t. They can start a conversation with anyone that walks through the door, and that conversation is somehow specifically tailored to that individual so that each conversation and greeting is personalized.

Now I have personally been in the clutches of many a social butterfly and let me tell you, I FELT SPECIAL. These individuals either knew me or had no idea who I was but they knew how to introduce themselves and make me feel special, like they had been waiting to meet me. You’ll know when you meet these social butterflies by the feeling you get when they see you. Their eyes light up and they just look so excited to be meeting a new person.

For some reason, this social butterfly behavior tends to rub different in younger generations. When I see the younger generations attempting this type of greeting it comes off as more like a marketing, or schmoozing, or “networking” type of feel. I’m not sure why? I’m not going to rule out that it feels that way because often when the younger generations are meeting new people we’re trying to figure out how this new person can help us, either in our career or other ways. But the older generation’s social butterflies don’t seem to have an agenda, maybe because they don’t need to anymore. I want to say that this isn’t a generational thing, but I’ve yet to come across a true, genuine, no-expectations, young social butterfly.

I think it also has to do with the ability to make small talk. Us, the younger generation, has somehow evolved our way out of knowing how to go about having true, genuine small talk. We just don’t know how to do it. It has become a common thing to say that “I hate small talk”. We hear it all the time. But what we’ve also lost is the “big talk” ability too. So what does this leave us with when we’re in a crowd of people? Not much. It is really just a lot of people staring at their shoes and conversing with only those people they already know… and of course you have others that have searched out the party dog and can be seen curled up with them all night. “Are you going to Johnson’s party?” “I don’t know, who is going to be there?” “Well, there’s the Millers, Jones’, Scotts, and a bunch of their friends I don’t know that well.” “Mmmm… I don’t know…” “They also have a dog!” “Oh heck yeah! Count me in, I’m there.”

We’ve somehow just lost the ability to shoot the sh*t, do a little chinwag, chew the fat. Going up to a stranger and being able to produce a sound out of one’s mouth that is anything other than a grunt seems to be a skillset for those who are on a higher evolved playing field than the majority of us. I have an old funeral director mentor named Bob Ross (he doesn’t know he’s my mentor so shhh…) and I used to love watching him on services. He could start a conversation with anyone, old and young. He is the most traditional-looking stereotypical old-white-man funeral director you can think of and I say that with love. Because he is not to be underestimated. He is in no way typical. He can somehow just start up a conversation and keep that conversation going. This is truly a gift. Mortuary science schooling teaches a lot of vocabulary and concepts, but it can absolutely NEVER teach you how to be a social butterfly.

So next time you have the chance to be in a crowd of the older generation, pay attention. They still have things to teach us.